Three months of music chapter 4

A few days went by, Louis hadn't updated his blog in four days, and Harry was getting really worried about him, he hadn't received a response to his comment, and he hadn't heard anything from Niall either. For every day that went by, Harry's life became more and more boring, he had nothing to look forward to, Louis daily updates had given him something to look forward to but now he hadn't updated for a while and since he hadn't kept in touch with Niall; he had no evenings at 'The Burned Goose' to look forward to either. He didn't dare to contact Niall although perhaps it was up to him to do it; it was, after all, Harry who had left Niall in the confused state last time they met, but he didn't dare and had no desire either. It felt so rigid between them and if Niall felt he needed to break the ice between them, then it was up to him to do it.

Harry sighed heavily and leaned back in his computer chair, he let his gaze travel around the small office without finding any particular point. He just wanted Louis to update his blog so that he could comment again and really prove to him and demonstrate that he existed. He didn't care that Louis probably would perceive him as a crazy fan girl; all he wanted was that Louis would answer him and he would certainly try to get him to do it. He clicked on Louis blog that was still out of date and clicked on Louis last post that Harry already commented on. He scrolled down to the comments section and typed the signature "Hazza" yet again.

I hope you are okay Louis; I think of you every minute and hope you feel as good as you are enabled to.

Harry clicked on "send", and his comment popped up among the 400 other comments. He couldn't help but feel that Louis probably wouldn't respond, more people had expressed their concern for him and Harry's comment was probably just one of the crowd.

Don't think like that, he will probably respond soon. Don't worry, mumbled Harry's subconscious to him, he sighed in response and pulled his hands through his hair. He didn't know what to think, the only thing he wanted to do right now was to be with Louis and tell him how much he actually meant to him.

Tears gathered again in Harry's eyes and he tried to swallow away the growing lump in his throat, but it just got bigger and bigger.

You can't cry here you idiot, he thought angrily, he drew his hand across his face to wipe away tears that overflowed and stood up from the chair.  It was only ten minutes left until his day of work was finished and he thought it wouldn't hurt if he went home a little earlier than expected. He walked with quick steps through the office to avoid colliding with Alice and Olivia, after a few minutes he came out of the building and took the tube home.

Harry sank into the couch with a can of beer and turned on the TV.  The computer was on the side, ready with the email in case Louis would answer. Harry watched TV for a while, he got stuck in a program that was about how white tigers came to existence, for a while he slumbered too but he woke with a jerk and his heart in his throat when he heard the familiar tune from both his mobile and PC. He sat straight up and lifted the computer from the table to his knees. There was an email in his inbox; indeed, he immediately clicked on it without even reading the title.

Louis has replied to your comment: "It means a lot, thank you."

Harry's heart was beating somersaults in his chest and he found himself have difficulty with breathing. He bounced up and down on his seat with the computer bumping in his lap before he pulled hard for breath when black spots had started dancing before his eyes. No words in the whole world could describe his happiness right now and he loved every second of it.

Should I answer him? Should I write more? Thoughts flew around like bouncy balls when he clicked on Louis blog. The musician had still not updated, which meant that he had responded to Harry's comment FIRST! He had thought it was more important to respond to Harry's comment than updating his blog!

Harry stifled a joyful roar and he hit the air with his fist in a victory gesture. He had never felt this happy for months and it was still just a comment he was rejoicing over.

I really am completely over-heels in love with this man, Harry thought suddenly and bit his lip.

I've never met him, he thought, but the realization didn't make him cringe. He was head over-heels in love with someone he had never met, but actually it did nothing. It did nothing at all and it almost felt like liberation. Now when Louis had responded to his comment, he decided to really continue to comment on every single post Louis was willing to put up. He would spend time on every comment, every word and every sentence, all words and sentences would have a meaning that Louis would notice. Harry felt like he was on top of the world and nothing would stop him from trying to catch Louis in its spider net now.

Harry took a sip of his beer before he clicked the internet and surfed onto Louis blog. Look there, indeed, a post posted 23:30 lying there. Harry clicked onto the post and started reading.

Title: Loathing

Hello beloved readers. Sorry that I haven't updated in a while, but the thing is that I've been without consciousness in recent days. The doctors have started giving me stronger medicines to prolong my life and I've gone in and out through consciousness. The nights have been horrible; I've woken up and vomited every bit of food I've eaten so they had to plug in a IV in me because I can't eat normal food anymore. I also got to know today when I finally woke up and felt a little better that I only have about four months left to live, more or less. The doctors didn't say it directly to me, but I heard them whispering about it by my side when they thought I was asleep. I don't understand why they continue pumping more chemotherapy and other medications if I still only have four months left to live. It feels heavy and it feels like there is no point in continuing doing this anymore. My biggest wish right now is just to go home and sleep in my own bed without the needles in me and devices around me. I just want to curl up underneath my duvet cover and stay there until I am no more, but I can't. Even though I am an adult and almost twenty five years old my mother would never allow me to leave the hospital in my state, I'm not sure if doctors want to give me away either, but I'll try to highlight my desire as soon as I can talk. My throat is a little swollen and worn out after all the vomit. I appreciate all of you who read and comment even if I can't respond to all comments (I wish I could be but the drugs tire me out so much). I love you and you and The Fray are the only thing that makes me want to continue.

- Posted by Louis 23:30

Four months left to live... It's nothing, thought Harry almost panicked when he finished reading the post. He pulled up his calendar from his job bag and looked up the current date. It was the 26th November and in four months it would be 26 March 2013. Tears burned in Harry's eyes, he angrily wiped them away with a sweep of the top side of his hand and sank deeper into the couch.

Four months... four months. How could he make contact with Louis in such a short time? How could he bear to not get read Louis posts after March 2013 when he supposedly was going to be gone? How could he live without Louis? The sudden idea stabbed in his stomach. For the first time in his entire 21-year old life, he felt that he couldn't live without a man, however disputed and complicated it was, he knew he couldn't survive without Louis. The pain in his stomach became more like a cutting edge and Harry got up off the couch and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. He drank five slow sips from the glass before he went back to the couch again to comment on Louis post. He let his feelings be a bit more indicative in this comment.

If I could, I would halve my lifetime and give half of it to you.

Harry bit his lip while he thought for a moment if he could add something but in the end he concluded that it was enough. The words he wrote reflected only part of the tumultuous emotions he actually felt. It was sick, crazy even, but as he had read, seen and thought about it so very many times before in the last week, he had come to the conclusion that there was nothing he could do about the feelings he had. He had actually read a little on the internet about similar events and he was less ashamed for what he felt when he read about it. This was kind of like being in love with a celebrity, which Harry was funny enough, but it was still not on the same plane because Louis was not quite as popular as he could have been and for that, Harry was grateful. He was also enormously grateful that Louis had chosen his comment to answer to; there was really nothing that could describe his happiness right now. Louis had only four months to live and it stressed Harry a lot.

His mobile and email ringed suddenly and he opened the email right away, the email said that Louis had answered his comment. Harry almost got dyspnea because of Louis responding so quickly!

Louis has replied to your comment: "Thank you 'Hazza'. Your comments always make my heart smile."

Harry stared at the screen while his mouth almost hit the floor in shock. His face was flushed red and his hands shook uncontrollably as he read the comment again and again. He couldn't understand that Louis had responded to his comment, and so quickly too!

I have to answer, Harry thought stressed, he pressed on the link and was forwarded onto the blog website and comment section. He found Louis answer and pressed the "answer" button.

I'm glad I could make you smile even when you have it so tough. I wish I could be with you.

Harry stared at the comment a while and wondered if the last of it was perhaps too much, maybe Louis was going to be away frightened and upset if he wrote that? Harry really didn't want to be perceived as a nasty internet stalker.

I'm glad I could make you smile even when you have it so tough.

He nodded approvingly, licked his lips and pressed "send." The comment was sent off, and Harry leaned back in his chair with satisfaction. Nothing could beat the happiness that flowed through him now. Just a minute later the familiar tune ringed and Harry's heart jumped up in his throat. He leaned forward and stared at the screen, his mouth was dry as a desert of excitement.

Louis wrote:

There are many of you commentators who make me smile, but there is something special with you. You write in a different way. You and "ZN".

Harry's heart was happy somersaults and he felt his face broke into a goofy smile. His comments (along with "ZN"s, sigh) had something special! Something special for Louis! Harry almost fainted; this was too good to be true. He scrolled down the page to see how many comments Louis got on the post. There were already 200 comments posted and it had only been 20 minutes since Louis posted it. He flipped back to Louis replies, chewing frantically on his lower lip as he thought about what he would reply.

I am so incredibly happy that you think so. My fingers are shaking as I'm typing this... I'm just so incredibly happy for you to respond to my comments and have noticed me.

Harry frowned, could he really send this? He shrugged his shoulders and smiled foolishly.
Of course I can send it! he thought cheerfully and pressed on "send". The e-mails and phone ringed the same time just after a minute, and Harry could find an answer waiting in the inbox.

Louis has replied to your comment:

"I am fascinated that I could have such an effect on you just by answering your comment. Would you like to switch email addresses, or something similar? It feels so open to write this here and I don't want everyone to see our conversations."

Harry gasped for breath as he finished reading the comment. Now, he actually was about to faint.

Louis William Tomlinson wants to exchange email address with me! Harry thought happily, he almost struck the table with his fists as he desperately sucked air into the lungs. He really behaved like a teenager in love, but he didn't care about it, he had never been in love like this, and that Louis wanted to change email address made him almost mad with joy.

Of course can we change email addresses! If you have a phone, we could exchange phone numbers but only if you want it of course. replied Harry, he also inserted his email. A few seconds later the email ringed and now a real email had dumped into Harry's inbox. The e-mail's address was 'Louist91@hotmail.com'. Harry clapped his hands in excitement with flushed cheeks before he clicked on the email and read it.

Hey Hazza.
So your real name is Harry? Nice name. I like Hazza, however, is it okay if I call you that? I hope you don't think I'm too forward to ask about email but I felt like I wanted to exchange my email with you. There is something special about you, and as I said earlier, your comments always make my heart smile. I understand if you think I'm too creepy and don't want to continue talking to me - Louis

"Of course you can call me Hazza!" cried Harry like a mad man before he pounced on the keyboard to respond.

Hello Louis.
Yes, my real name is Harry and I take for granted that your real name is Louis? I'm only checking, maybe you are using a pseudonym? You may of course call me Hazza, it is an old nickname from when I was a teenager. I don't think you are the least bit pushy, to be honest it was what I wanted, to talk to you more than just the comments. I am so incredibly happy that you want to do this with me. I don't think you're creepy, don't worry. - Harry

Harry nodded with satisfaction at his reply and leaned back on the couch with a prolonged sigh. This day couldn't get much better than it already was. He couldn't understand that Louis actually wanted to exchange emails with him and so quickly too! It was almost like a miracle had occurred and Harry enjoyed every second of it. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was one in the morning.

Well, I usually never stay up late like this so it does not matter that I do it now, he thought with a shrug as he waited anxiously for that Louis would answer. Tinkle.

My real name is Louis, I've never been interested in using a pseudonym since I am proud of my name and I want people to remember me for who I am. Nice that I can call you Hazza. I'm glad you feel that way, it makes me smile. - Louis

Harry moaned happily that his simple emails got Louis to smile. He could see him lying there in the hospital bed with the computer on his lap with his face shining that made the crinkles around his eyes appear. Heat spread throughout Harry's body as he imagined Louis before him, he giggled happily and bit a little on his thumb before he answered.

I'm so glad I can make you smile; it makes me smile more than I thought I could. I love your blog (sorry for the topic change) you are so incredibly good at writing emotion. You actually made me cry twice only by your posts. How are you anyway? - Harry

Harry yawned widely when he sent off the email, he stretched himself so that his back creaked before he glanced towards the clock; 01:20 showed it. Time to go to bed then. He reluctantly shut down the computer screen and got off the couch, he could hardly wait until he had finished work tomorrow so he could respond to Louis email.</p>